TERRIBLE TWO's

It's true, it's terrible. It's incredibly fun sometimes but mostly terrible. My daughter has some how turned into the sass pot I never knew I had. Not to even mention the tantrums a two year old can have... wow. Let me give you a scenario:

I'm in Tesco, doing a spot of shopping. And when I say a "spot" I mean a two hour expedition to buy some milk and a couple of bits (it's not even for me; it's for my terrible two year old who doesn't appreciate life yet.) There's a few stages to this mission so I'll make it easy for you...(We will refer to my daughter as Demon for the time being, just during this rant.)

STAGE 1 - THE TROLLEY (10-15 mins dependant on strength)

To make life easier, I just want to plonk demon in the seat of the trolley so that I can maybe pretend to be a racing car for her entertainment (my entertainment) whiles I wiz around and grab a few bits. But why would demon sit in the trolley when there's so much more space in the trolley itself? I mean duh, look at how demon could spread out and enjoy pretending to be a caged animal for the time being... Regardless of the demands, I'm not buying it. So I lift demon to sit in the seat and all of a sudden her legs turn into frozen like sticks whiles she screams "GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF, YOU'RE HURTING ME" As this fight continues, I'm smiling trying to laugh it off whiles mums with their ridiculously well behaved children prance passed me tutting.

STAGE 2 - AVOIDING ANY TREAT ISLE (The whole duration of the supermarket as there isn't a bloody isle without something demon wants)

Once Demon is finally sat and strapped, I walk into Tesco with a sense of accomplishment on my face. Two seconds in "mummy I want that" I reply loudly so other parents think I'm a good mum "I want doesn't get darling" Classic. Then I look over to find that she's pointing to a yellow car freshener in the shape of spongebob. Like....Tesco....good sales tactic but can you just...not? Anyway, this happens throughout every isle without fail.

STAGE 3 - I WANT IT NOW (20 mins of tantrum time)

I finally get to the milk isle and it's like demon has seen milk heaven. "Mummy I want milk now" At first I ignore her hoping she'll stop but this never works. Remember when your mum used to help you out with the boy at school who was bullying you for your buck tooth and she'd say "Just ignore them, they'll eventually get bored" Yep, doesn't work with a two year old. So I'll either say politely "wait until we get home and you can have it then" and embrace the tantrum or I give in and let her start drinking out of the carton. Please note: it depends on how much sleep was acquired the previous night.

STAGE 4 - CHECK OUT (15 mins dependant on how many items break)

I pull up the trolley to the till and of course demon wants to be the one to put everything on the revolver because it's completely cool that it moves. I start by smiling at the checkout employee with a little greeting such as: "how are you today?" or "busy day?" just to convince them I'm a nice person before the carnage starts. So whiles this is happening, demons already thrown a few tins of soup and a couple packs of baby wipes at the person opposite - she's got terrible aim. I start loading the till whiles simultaneously taking items out of demons hand incase of breakages.

STAGE 5 - PAY AND GET YOURSELF OUT OF THERE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT

Finally I'm about to pay and get out of this nightmare... Deamon has my card in her mouth for easy access obviously and my bag contents are now all over the floor in Tesco but hey, we did it.